Not Just the Client: Navigating Our Own System When Working with Suicidal Parts
When a client tells us they don’t want to be here anymore, the room shifts. Something changes in us as therapists, activating our own protective system. Maybe your chest tightens. Maybe your mind races. Maybe a familiar inner voice whispers, “Say the right thing. Just keep them safe.”
My hope is that you offer your system a compassionate space for reflection when asked to sit with suicidal distress. Especially if you are new to this work, it’s okay to feel unsure. This isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about noticing what comes up inside us and learning to care for that, too.
Therapists often feel and hold a lot when suicidality enters the space. Fear. Helplessness. Urgency. Sadness. Anger. All of it is normal. All of it has a place at the table. If we become blended, the parts that hold those feelings shape what we say or don’t say in our sessions. They influence how much we lean in or pull back. At times, we go home and can’t stop thinking about the session we wish we had. Sometimes we try to pretend it didn’t affect us at all. The truth? This work lands deep. And it’s okay to name that.
And here is the truth we don’t hear often enough: suicide prevention is not about prediction. It’s about presence and connection. No one can reliably predict who will or won’t die by suicide, but we can commit to doing what we know helps: building relationships, listening with compassion, supporting autonomy, and creating space for hope. When we take the pressure off ourselves to know or prevent everything, we open up room to be with what is, and that is life-affirming.
If you have ever left a session with a suicidal client, your heart pounding, wondering if you held enough or if you should have done more, you are not alone. Fear might show up like a Manager part: “What if I missed something?” It wants to keep you sharp, prepared and thorough. Sometimes that fear wants to take control, to jump into solutions, or to sidestep the pain altogether. That’s not a flaw, it's your system enacting protection.
There’s often a heavy part carrying responsibility; it truly believes it’s on us to keep someone alive. And when we believe that, it makes sense that a Rescuer part might step up, flooding us with urgency and the pressure to fix. This part cares deeply, and it deserves your support too.
Feeling helpless in the face of suicide is one of the most vulnerable experiences we can have as therapists. It can awaken parts of us that carry stories of failure, not being good enough, or pressure to have it all figured out. Sometimes those parts flood, freezing or withdrawing. At other times, they push us to work harder, grasping for a sense of control. And sometimes, despite all our efforts, we find ourselves in the raw heaviness of self-doubt. Each of these responses deserves to be met with care, not silenced. Just gently acknowledged. These parts aren't evidence of your inadequacy as a therapist; they are reminders of your capacity to feel, to care, and to be moved by the weight of this valuable work.
And then there’s anger, that shameful feeling no therapist wants to admit. It might be aimed at the system, at the session, or even at the client. It’s a part that feels overwhelmed, suppressed, or like no matter what we do, it’s never enough. Underneath that anger, there is often grief. Held tightly by Exiles who carry the pain of powerlessness, of not being able to make it better, of witnessing suffering we cannot fix. When we soften toward those parts, we often find not hostility but heartbreak and the heavy burden of responsibility. These parts don’t need to be managed, just met gently with presence and care.
These reactions aren’t problems, they are communication. In IFS, they are messages from our inner system, letting us know something in us needs our attention. There might be a Firefighter who wants to change the subject. Or an Exile who remembers what it’s like to feel that kind of pain. You might have a Manager who is already writing the progress note to make sure you are legally safe. They all have good intentions, and every single one deserves to be met with curiosity, not shame.
What if, during a challenging session, instead of pushing through, you paused? Took a couple of seconds, a deep breath. And gently asked inside, “Who in me is needing care right now?” That’s what we call a U-turn in IFS. It means turning our attention inward, toward our own system. This prevents us from getting pulled deeper into a client’s pain or staying blended with a part that’s activated.
Practically, a U-turn might look like this: noticing the tightening in your chest, recognising a part that’s terrified of getting it wrong, and saying quietly, “I see you, trying to protect me.” Instead of acting from that part, we bring our Self energy to it. We sit with it. We listen. Maybe even journal or speak to it out loud. The goal isn’t to fix or shut it down it’s for it to be seem and to relate to it from Self.
This inward shift lets us return to our client from a place of greater groundedness and clarity. The U-turn reminds us that staying present with someone else starts by being present with ourselves first. And that presence, even more than a protocol or checklist, is often what supports healing most.
Strategies for Supporting Your Parts
Name your parts. Who showed up in that session? Who’s still lingering now? Get curious, not critical.
Supervision: A space where all your parts are welcome, not just the competent ones but the ones muddling through.
Reconnect to your body. Go for a walk, breathe deeply and stretch. Feel the soles of your feet on the ground. Place your hand over your heart (it helps). Remind your system that in this moment, Self is here and you are safe. These small acts of embodiment can signal to your parts: you made it through, and they don’t have to carry it alone.
Reach out to a peer. Say, “That was hard.” Being witnessed can be exactly what your system needs most.
Give your own parts the healing they deserve. Therapists need therapy too. Especially when parts carry fear or pressure, even the parts that try to help everyone else while quietly avoiding their own needs
Create small rituals to honour what you hold. Light a candle, journal to a part, take a quiet walk, or reflect with music. These small acts tell your system, “You witnessed something incredibly hard, and you stayed.”
If you have ever doubted yourself after a session, truly take this in: You are not alone. You are not failing. You are responding with an open heart that wants to help and a system that’s doing its best. IFS invites us to sit, not only with our clients’ systems but our own. The anxious part. The hypervigilant part. The one that just wants to get it right. When we hold them gently, we model the very healing we offer.
Disclaimer:
This article is not a substitute for professional support. If you or someone you know is in crisis, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14, dial 000, or attend your nearest emergency department. You are not alone, and help is available.
References
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